I have friends, a decent amount -- but there are too many moments of interacting where I hush my thoughts because I want to avoid confrontation. I hate static, I don't know how to process anger. But I think that I owe it to myself not to actively cultivate friendships with people who's energy doesn't mesh with my own.
Of course people that once felt like home no longer do, life has swept them away -- but even so there were two or three who I felt at home with. I miss that, I crave that. I'd like to find that, but have little faith that I will again. I want to be angry with the people I subject myself to that make me want to be quiet, but I know it is my own doing. I simply have to stop seeking them out, these substitutions for home souls.
Which maybe isn't fair, because I have good friendships that I don't feel the need to silence myself in, but they are older folk I see a handful of times a year. I cherish those times I do. But part of me aches for someone my age who feels like home, someone who isn't my fiancee because that's a lot to put onto one person. Someone I can truly call best friend.
I think part of the problem is I put too much into that title, and would never be worthy of it myself. I can be a good friend, but I don't think I can be a best friend until I find someone who feels like home. Not to discredit myself or those I call friend, but they don't feel like home anymore.